We unconsciously repeat painful relationship patterns because our brain uses our earliest childhood relationships as reference models. This familiarity creates a false sense of security and certainty, which we often mistake for romantic compatibility.

noli's read

The concept that our childhood relationships create relational models is based on John Bowlby’s attachment theory (expert/observational opinion) and Anthony Ryle’s cognitive analytic approach (expert opinion). The effectiveness of this method for identifying and transforming these habits is validated by a meta-analysis by Hallam et al. (2021). Furthermore, cognitive science confirms that our minds naturally seek predictability (the familiar) to feel secure. However, the idea that we are doomed to repeat these patterns is an exaggeration: observational studies indicate that our relational patterns can become more flexible and change through new positive experiences. Finally, the explanation that our brain biologically confuses familiarity with compatibility is a useful clinical metaphor, but it is not supported by direct neuroscientific evidence.

the sources

No named source held this one up — that absence is part of the verdict.